It’s a big deal for me to be here—for a lot of reasons. The big one is that I was really obsessed with you in high school, like in a way that was a little crazy. I don’t wanna freak you out but I feel like there’s a lot of stuff I’ve needed to say to you for a long time, and now I’m here to get to do it. […] There’s so many things I could tell you about my relationship to you in high school. I had a napkin that was signed by you. You didn’t sign it for me ‘cause I wasn’t even old enough to be at any parties that you would be at. But when I was 17, I was at a party that you were at and I went up to you and I was like, “Just so you know, I have a napkin signed by you.” You were so nice, you went like this: SCORE! […]
I’ll tell you one more thing. This is the super craziest one: I wrote a play in which you and I switched bodies and then fell in love.